Are your desires YOURS or society’s desires FOR you?

We all have big dreams we really want - health, wealth, and happiness. But how those manifest can all look wildly different.

Someone might want the super fit hot yoga bod, whereas someone else wants to simply grow their hair back after chemo.
Someone might want multiple millions in their bank account and the huge yacht before they feel wealthy. Others may just want to be able to buy new Ikea furniture and have their own apartment to feel wealthy.
Someone might want the powerhouse fulfilling career in order to feel happy, while others may want to have 3 kiddos running under their feet to feel happy.

As we’re all revising our goals and people are setting new year’s resolutions, it’s a perfect time to take a look at how authentic your desires and dreams are to YOU.

A client of mine recently admitted that she didn’t know what her desires were outside of what society told her she should want. She was so far away from her own desires, she didn’t even know how to create a list of what she wanted.

And I’ll admit, I’ve fallen for keeping up with the Jones’ in the past. Especially in the world of looking at other young, beautiful, wealthy women on social media, living the life that makes me feel jealous! (Looking at you, coaching industry!)

But was the designer bags, the red bottoms, the endless world traveling really what I wanted?

Some of it, yes.

But a lot of it, no.

What helped me create a life that I, SARAH BYRD, actually enjoyed was to get honest about my desires, and really tap into my authentic self UNDERNEATH the influence of what society was telling me.

Because, honestly, being on a yacht, getting sunburnt in the sun, sounds like my worst nightmare.

Red bottoms? Hell no. Sounds like a sprained ankle real fast. Designer bags? Literally never heard of half of these brands, and I like my TJ Maxx and Target bags that last for years, thank you very much.

But when I check in - traveling the world DOES align with what I want. I want the luxury of ease in traveling, trying food from all over the world, and visiting the historical sites and museums. That sounds amazing TO ME.

But it might be the most boring thing in the world for you.

How do you dig down deep to the REAL you and what you want?

So, HOW do you filter through the impressions and pressure you get from social media, and get in touch with your true desires?

Step 1: Get Still, Go Within

It starts with getting still. If you are trying to filter through the noise and busyness of the outside world - then you need to go within and reconnect with YOU. It’s time to make your needs, feelings, and desires a priority. So take the time to engage in some kind of mindfulness practice to get you reconnected with yourself - going for a walk, meditating, or practicing yoga. Anything that brings you back to YOU.

Step 2: Make a Rough Draft List of Desires

Next, make a list of desires that you THINK you have. If you could make a rough draft of a list of your desires, what would be on it? This will be just a starting point to reflect on and dive deeper into, but think about what you want in these areas:

• Health - Physical and mental

• Relationships

• Career

• Money

• Spirituality, Personal development

Make a list of at least 3-5 big desires for each of these. That will give you a good starting point.

Now the fun begins - we get to dive into each desire deeper and start to look at them with some discernment to see if they’re authentic or based on what society/others want for you.

Step 3: Check in With Your Nervous System

We’ll start with your nervous system. Go through each item on your desires list and check in with how it makes you feel in your nervous system.

Is this a frantic desire? Is there a feeling of FOMO? Are the desires attached to a feeling of unworthiness, like you HAVE to have this in order to feel good about yourself?

Or when you read through each one, do you feel inspired, grounded, and confident in yourself?

There is a big difference between:

• Something that pushes you out of your comfort zone, which feels intimidating or scary, but in a growth way

  versus

• Something that pushes you outside your zone of tolerance, where you don’t have the capacity to stay grounded within yourself and your nervous system gets triggered into survival mode (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode).

So, go through each item on your list and check in with how your nervous system responds to envisioning yourself experiencing each goal.

If the desire makes your nervous system feel frantic or triggered, it could be that it’s coming from some outside source - society, family, friends, social media, whatever. And it might be a good idea to let this desire go, or replace it with something more aligned with your inner being.

If you still feel good while sitting with the desire, or even inspired and maybe little intimidated, but still within your window of tolerance, then it’s likely a true desire coming from within YOU, that’s calling you to move towards it. So keep it on the list!

Step 4: Identify the Meaning Behind Each Goal

This next step is about taking a look at what meaning you attach to this goal, specifically, what it would mean about YOU if you experienced this desire. This is an incredibly powerful line of inquiry because it can help you uncover if there are any worthiness issues underneath it.

Start by going through your list, and for each desire, ask:

• What would it mean about me if I DID experience this desire?

• What would it mean about me if I DIDN’T get it?

If a desire is tied to your worthiness (“I will be able to prove my worth if I make $XX each year), then the motivation is based on a feeling of unworthiness. It’s probably time to either release that desire, or shift it into something more in alignment with your core values (I want to make $XX each year so that I can afford the freedom of travel that my family and I deserve.)

The desire could be the same (like making a certain amount of money a year), but if it’s based on trying to earn or prove your worth, then it’s unhealthy and can be counterproductive to your success. But if that same desire is based on your core values, you will pursue it without having your own worth or mental/spiritual health in jeopardy while you manifest it!

Step 5: Uncover the Social Importance

Another question you might not initially think to ask is: How important is it to me for others to see my achieving this desire? This question helps point to whether your desire is intrinsically or extrinsically motivated.

Given that it’s easy to adopt society’s version of success, based on the perfection that’s portrayed on social media, it’s critical to uncover how much importance you place on social feedback about your goals.

I’ll admit, I have fallen into this trap, despite it seeming very superficial to even ask this question. But when so much of our understanding of ourselves comes from comparing our behind the scenes life to others’ highlight reels on social media, this is actually an important question to be asking yourself.

One way to determine how important social feedback is for you, and how much it has influenced your desires is to ask:

• If no one knew about me reaching this goal, and I wasn’t able to post about it on social media, what is left in the experience for me?

• What richness is this adding to my life outside of others bearing witness to my experience? (Joy, fun, peace, knowledge, entertainment, etc.)

I’m in no way saying that posting about the highlights of your life or sharing your achievements, goals, and desires on social media is bad, wrong, or unhealthy. By all means, shout about your life and success from the rooftops! Community (and yes, even online community) is a powerful force for good, and it can enrich your life in ways that be isolated can’t.

What I am getting at in this line of questions is: Am I prioritizing others’ perceptions of me over my actual experience of being me?

And if so, that right there tells you that it’s society’s desires, and not your own. If it the desire feels empty or flat when you imagine not being able to share about it, then you’re probably doing it for the social proof and want to validate your worthiness through being seen as a picture perfect version of yourself.

It might be time to reconsider the desire, or even shifting it into alignment with your inherent worthiness and core values. You don’t have to earn, prove, or show off your worth. You ALREADY are worthy of your true desires.

So untangle your desires from the social importance, and get back to YOU.

Step 6: Ask Who Benefits From Your Desires

Finally, as you go through your list of goals, ask yourself, “Who benefits from this desire?”

Is it you, your friends, family, partner, loved ones?

What you’re trying to uncover is WHO gets WHAT out of it. And you want to keep an eye out for any desire where others are benefitting, but it’s at your expense.

For example, you might have something like, “I want to have a clean house all the time.”

While on the surface, we would all want that, you might start to discover some of the underlying motivations aren’t actually that healthy. You might think:

• I want a clean house all the time. —>

• Because if I don’t, my husband will be disappointed in me, and I’ll feel like I’m not a good enough wife. —>

• And if people come over, they’ll think we live in squalor if the house isn’t nice. —>

• And since my kids are messy, I have to put more effort into cleaning up after them. —>

• It might mean that I have less energy, time to focus on my own passions, and less patience with the kids who keep making messes. —>

• But at least I’ll feel like I’m earning my keep around here.

See how on the surface, the desire seems normal, but when you start asking why you want it, and who benefits, it gets a little more messy.

In this case, the house is clean, the husband gets a clean home (but an exhausted wife), the kids don’t have to be mindful about their mess or clean up after themselves (but get an impatient mother), and the friends come over and see a pretty house (but an anxious friend). All the meanwhile, the person with the desire is getting a clean house at her own expense (and the expense of her relationships).

So, maybe the desire shifts to something like:

• I want a housekeeper to come clean twice a month, and to spend more quality time with my friends and family, while being okay with a little messiness.

That’s a HUGE shift from the pressures of the original desire. And much more in alignment with her highest self and powerful life.

Summing It All Up

Now that you have some understanding of how the motivations underneath your desires work, you can get really clear about your authentic desires by following these steps:

• Step 1: Go within, do some kind of mindfulness practice to recenter your awareness on your inner experience.

• Step 2: Write a rough draft list of desires that you THINK you want.

• Step 3: Check in with your nervous system.

• Step 4: Ask what each goal/desire means about you.

• Step 5: Uncover if the goal/desire in intrinsically or extrinsically motivated based on the social importance it holds for you.

• Step 6: Explore who benefits, and who gets what out of your goal/desire.

• Step 7: Revise your desires so that they’re in alignment with your core values and authentic self.

It’s easy to get swept up in what society wants, but it’s important to cut through the noise and discover who YOU truly are, and what YOU truly want.

We all have deep down, authentic desires. You can listen to your still small voice within your core, and hear what it is your soul, your heart, you sacred inner space, is calling you to move towards.

Getting The Support you Need

It can be challenging to filter out the noise of society’s pressures, and hopefully this post will give you a start in getting clear about your authentic desires. But it’s one thing to know what you want, and it’s another thing to know your passions and learn how to put them into practice, so that you can live out your Divine Purpose.

This is why I work with my clients 1:1 to help them learn about who they are, who they want to be, how they want to show up in the world, and the type of life they want to create. It’s all about getting into the flow of ease and alignment with your higher purpose.

The Find Your Passion. Live Your Purpose. private mentorship is an intimate container where we work on connecting with the Divine Source within you so that you can truly hear your inner calling, master the process of manifesting with ease, and discover your unique Divine Gifts that you’re meant to share with the world.

In this personalized 6-week program, you’ll be guided through a journey of self discovery, get access to experiential exercises to help anchor the lessons into your consciousness, and given actions steps for your weekly integration periods. By the end of the 6 weeks you will know the next steps to take and feel confident in yourself and your purpose.

The Find Your Passion. Live Your Purpose. is a total life reset that helps you transform your life from the inside out. Clarifying your authentic desires is just one small part of the picture of your amazing, powerful, life, but will also change everything.

So let’s get started today! Learn more about Find Your Passion. Live Your Purpose. at the button below.

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Hello Lovely, I’m Sarah Byrd

EMPOWERMENT COACH & YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT BFF

EMPOWERMENT OBSESSED, ENNEAGRAM 3 (ACHIEVER), MASTER’S IN COUNSELING STUDENT, HUMAN DESIGN PROJECTOR, CAPRIQUARICORN CUSPY BUDDHIST

I’ll help you awaken your inner Divinity, start loving yourself again, find power in your relationships, and finally start living that powerfully bold life you are meant to live!