Why You’re Not Getting Your Needs Met & What You Can Do About It
Let’s talk about needs. You have them. I have them. Humanity wouldn’t have survived without acknowledging and meeting our needs. We’ve all got ‘em.
So how did they get so wrapped up in shame? And why are you not getting yours met? We are taught, especially as women, not to have our needs met. We make sure everyone else is taken care of first, and then if there’s anything left for us, we get to have our needs met. But it’s only a luxury at that point, not an expectation.
It’s the classic story of the mom who is feeding the rest of the family and then eats what the kids don’t eat as her dinner. Just whatever’s left over is what she gets.
Or maybe you were taught that your needs can only get met at the expense of the others? Like you can either make a lot of money or be fulfilled. You can either have a stable relationship or have a passionate love with your partner. You can either be taken seriously at work or be feminine. But never both.
Maybe you even feel shame for even HAVING needs, let along asking for them to be met!
As women we are caught in a lot of catch-22’s, double standards, and we suffer because of it by not getting our needs met.
But we don’t have to.
Because underneath all of your needs (and the shame you may feel associated with them) is a woman who deserves to have them met. Naturally, just by being born. You don’t have to do or be anything special to deserve having them met.
Needs are natural, valuable, and worthy of being met. Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “yeah… maybe other people’s needs are worthy, but there’s NO WAY I could ask for mine to be met…” or maybe even, “I know in THEORY that I’m worthy of having my needs met. But my life never plays out that way. There’s always too much I have to do for others. It would be selfish of me to get my own needs met!”
If this is you, I’m here to tell you that YOU, yes YOU, are worthy of having your needs cared for, and you deserve it! In fact, it’s doing a disservice to those you love to NOT have your needs met. Because if your needs aren’t being met, you are not operating at your full capacity. And by having your needs met, you can be more fully present with those you love. A car doesn’t drive very far running on empty…
Having needs is part of the shared human experience. We all have them. Here are some basic universal human needs:
I love sharing this list, which you may already be familiar with, because it really humanizes having needs. When you can externalize them, you can view them through the lens of everyone having them. And then they aren’t so wrapped up in shame, because you aren’t the only one who has that need.
EVERYONE needs acknowledgement, consideration, belonging, etc. You’re not wrong for having those needs, everyone needs ‘em. And when you’re not wrong for having a need, you don’t have to suppress it. You actually get to work towards meeting it.
Now that we’ve established that you deserve to have your needs met, let’s move on to how you can actually GET them met.
Everyone needs acknowledgement, consideration, belonging, etc. You’re not wrong for having those needs, because we all need ‘em!
How To Identify Your Needs
We’ve become amazing masters at suppressing our needs, especially as women. Sometimes we don’t even recognize that a need isn’t being met. You feel like something is off, but you don’t know what. You know you’re not happy, but you can’t figure out why. Maybe you are dissatisfied in your life, but you don’t even know what to change. Maybe you feel stuck in a rut but aren’t sure where to put your energy. You should be grateful for what you have after all, but somehow still feel unfulfilled.
This discomfort itself is pointing to the fact that one or more of your needs aren’t getting met, even if you haven’t identified which one. Recognizing that you have unfulfilled needs that are not being met is half the battle right there.
So now it’s time to identify which ones so you can address them. How can you do this? By incorporating mindfulness into your life. Sit down with that list above, and ask yourself which of those needs are important to you. Which ones are being met? Which one’s aren’t? When you can be present in your experience and witness it objectively, that’s bringing mindfulness into your life.
As you sit down with this list, remember that we all have different needs at different times and to different degrees. Some needs might seem in conflict with one another (stability & adventure, for example), but actually they compliment and support one another.
Adventure without stability is chaos.
Stability without adventure is dullness/settling/stagnation.
Next, make a list of the needs you DO have met right now, and list that you DON’T have met right now. Remember that the same need could be on both lists.
For example, maybe you’re getting plenty of social time, and your need for connection in friendships is being met. But in your romantic relationship, you feel lonely and unseen. So your need for connection is not being met in that area.
Next, write out the impact each need on your lists have on you. For example, your need for stability that’s being met is keeping my nervous system regulated. And your need for intimacy that’s not being met is leaving you feeling lonely, and you’re seeking connection in places that don’t uplift you or align with your values (swiping on dating apps, for instance).
Sift through your needs not being met and identify the top three most urgent ones that are having the biggest impact on your life. This is going to be your starting point for your work on getting them met.
Once you are able to identify which needs aren’t being met, then it’s important to really sink into your worthiness of having it be met. After all, there is a part of you that accepted not having it met because you didn’t feel worthy of it. This stage is where you may need to remind yourself that all needs are universal and part of the human experience. So everyone has these needs to some extent at some point in their life. And you deserve to have them met too.
Getting Your Needs Met: Effective vs. Ineffective Strategies
So what does it look like to advocate for yourself and actually get your needs met? It’s all about having effective strategies.
Start with taking stock of where you are now with your strategies. What has worked? What hasn’t worked?
Let’s look at an example. You need the lawn mowed, and your partner has agreed that he is going to do it before you have company over this weekend. You remind him all week that it needs to be mowed. Friday comes and it’s not done, so you remind him again, a bit more stern. Saturday comes, the guests are going to arrive in the evening, and the lawn still hasn’t been mowed. So you end up yelling at your partner about it, and he finally goes out and mows the lawn, and you are left stressed, angry, and exhausted.
Getting louder and shouting at your partner who finally listens to you might be effective in that the lawn got mowed before the guests arrive. But, you didn’t feel acknowledged, heard, or respected along the way. So in the end, it’s NOT an effective strategy. The lawn got mowed, but the need wasn’t actually met.
Go through your list of top three needs that aren’t being met and really think through how you’ve tried to get them met (or avoided having them), and evaluate how effect your strategies are.
A few more questions as you’re sifting through these: Why did you try that specific approach? What’s the underlying belief behind it, where did you learn it, whose voice is that, etc. Uncover the roots of your strategy/lack of strategy.
Now, think through a new strategy that would be more effective:
- What could you do to get this met?
- Who can you ask for help in getting this need met?
- What will happen if you try option A? What about option B? Etc.
- How can you articulate and communicate this need to yourself and others?
- When will you do it?
- Why do you need this need met? What kind of impact will it have on you and your life if you were to get it met?
These are incredibly powerful questions to answer that may get you to the heart of the matter. Let’s return for a moment to your hypothetical lawn situation. You ended up yelling because you were at your wit’s end with your partner, and your patience had run out for waiting on him to mow the lawn. You think back to your parents, and the only time you mom was heard by you, your siblings, or you dad was when she yelled. THAT’S when you knew she was serious in setting a boundary. So, you were trying to communicate that this was a clear boundary for you. You realize that your mom’s voice is the one that taught you to yell to set a boundary. It gets the job done, but in the end you are still not satisfied with your needs being met. You’d like to have a better way.
You know that being heard, acknowledged, and respected is important to you because it makes you feel like a valued member of the relationship, and upholds your dignity. So, you would like to communicate the importance of not just the lawn being mowed, but of you not having to remind your partner four times before it’s done. So you plan to have a chat with him about what it means to agree to do something, and then upholding that agreement without you doing the mental and emotional labor of reminding him to fulfill his end of the agreement. You express to him how it impacts you in your relationship.
Now, this is where it can get tricky, because your partner may or may not respect your needs here. And based on his response, you may have to be willing to either not get your needs met, or disconnect from this person. (This goes for romantic partnerships, friendships, coworkers, etc.)
Let’s say he acknowledges your needs aren’t being met, his part in that, and his behavior moving forward shows that he wants to meet your needs. Congratulations! You have just advocated for your needs to be met, and now you get to enjoy it!
But, if he dismisses your experience, is not willing to participate in meeting your needs, and is not willing to change his behavior, you have two choices:
Be willing to not have your needs met in this relationships, and find other ways for them to be met outside of it.
Step away from the relationship and find someone who is able and willing to meet them.
One of my favorite stories related to upholding boundaries around getting your needs met comes from Michelle Obama’s book Becoming where she is going to move long distance away from Barack before they were married, and she said she wanted to speak to him on the phone regularly rather than write letters as he preferred. He replied that he wasn’t much into talking on the phone because he wasn’t a phone guy. And she said, “If I’m not talking to you, I’ll find another guy who’ll listen..” And that’s how Barack became a phone guy.
It’s not an ultimatum. It’s simply stating that you are inviting the person to participate in meeting your need. You are not demanding that they do, but meeting the need itself is non-negotiable. So you are willing to find a way to meet it regardless of whether they participate or not.
Basic Needs-Requests Skills
There are some classic skills that can help you get your needs meet. Now, you may already have these skills and might be familiar with them, but it’s always worth refreshing on the basics because they really do work.
Use “I” Statements
Speaking about your own experience, rather than blaming someone else for “making” you feel a certain way, will help them feel less defensive. Using “I” statements takes responsibility for your own experience, and encourages the other person to do the same.
State your need
Make your need explicitly clear. People aren’t mind readers. Remember that you had to sit down and identify what your own need is. So you can expect others to know without stating it. What is the actual need, and how is it not being met? How does this impact you, and what kind of difference would it make if it was being met? Explain to the other person how this is affecting you and how important it is to you.
Make a request or invitation that the person participate in meeting your needs
When you invite someone in to helping you meet your needs, it is a gesture of kindness that welcomes them into your inner world, and hopefully helps them to feel valued and appreciated for their impact on your life. Wouldn’t you be honored if someone asked you to help them with someone so dear to them? The invitation is not a burden, it’s an opportunity to grow closer and help each other succeed.
Stay detached
This is crucial when making the request, because it takes the pressure off of the other person. If they feel they have to meet your needs, and they don’t have a choice, they are going to resent you. And if your intention is to convince them to meet your needs, it’s not much of an invitation, is it? It’s more of a manipulative demand. How would anyone respond to that? With resentment. So make sure that you are staying detached when making a request.
Find an alternative route for getting your needs met based on their response
If the person says that they are willing to help you meet your needs, then great! You can focus on getting them met. But what if they don’t agree?
The need itself is non-negotiable, so you’ve now got to be resourceful and find another way to meet it that doesn’t involve this person. Who can you ask for support? How else can you get this need met? Where does this need get met at least to some extent in your life? Dig into your resourcefulness, and make sure that you’re meeting your needs one way or another! After all, if you don’t advocate for your needs, who will?
Getting The Support you Need
Speaking up on behalf of your needs can be challenging if you (and everyone else around you) are used to them not being considered, let alone met in a loving and caring way. Having someone in your corner to help you navigate meeting your needs until you get used to advocating for yourself can make all the difference. And honestly, it’s time for you to get the support you need, to get your fuel tanked of needs filled so you can thrive in your best possible life. Haven’t you sacrificed long enough? You don’t have to be a martyr in order to feel worthy. You get to have your needs met here and now.
This is why I am offering my 1:1 Art of Authentic Confidence private mentorship to women just like you. I have systems in place to support you in making the changes in your relationship with yourself and with others so that you are able to thrive. You’re not doing anyone a service by being depleted and making yourself last. Don’t your friends, partner, children, family, community deserve the best version of you? Of course they do. And you deserve to be that woman too.
So let’s get you there.
When it comes to getting your needs met, I will guide you through a simple and clear process for getting clear about what you need, and helping you strategize getting them met. This is only one part of an entire course on getting your relationship with yourself healed, healthy, and whole.
So if you’re ready to start seeing the massive changes in your life - in ALL areas - and experience the inner and outer transformation that comes with having your needs met, join me in the Art of Authentic Confidence private mentorship.
In this personalized 1:1 mentorship, I help you understand WHAT your needs are, WHY they are so critical to your success, HOW you can get them met, and INTEGRATE them into your life and identity so you are always thriving. All while having your back and walking you through every step of the process.
The 90-day Art of Authentic Confidence is a total life reset that helps you transform your life from the inside out. Having your needs met is just one small part of the picture of your amazing, powerful, life, but will also change everything.
So let’s get started today! Learn more about the Art of Authentic Confidence with the button below.
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Hello Lovely, I’m Sarah Byrd
EMPOWERMENT COACH & YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT BFF
EMPOWERMENT OBSESSED, ENNEAGRAM 3 (ACHIEVER), MASTER’S IN COUNSELING STUDENT, HUMAN DESIGN PROJECTOR, CAPRIQUARICORN CUSPY BUDDHIST
I’ll help you awaken your inner Divinity, start loving yourself again, find power in your relationships, and finally start living that powerfully bold life you are meant to live!